BREAKING NEWS: Pittsburgh Pirates Sign Time Traveler from 1979 to Bring Back Championship Mo……..

In what is perhaps the most unbelievable transaction in Major League Baseball history, the Pittsburgh Pirates have signed a time traveler from 1979 in a bold and mystifying move to recapture their championship-winning energy — and maybe, just maybe, a shot at the postseason.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Pittsburgh Pirates — a team famously stuck in a decades-long battle with mediocrity — have announced the addition of a man named Mickey “Mojo” Martinez, a former batboy and clubhouse assistant who claims he was transported from October 1979 to June 2025 in a bizarre, as-yet-unexplained temporal event involving a disco ball, a crate of Iron City beer, and a malfunctioning 8-track player.

According to Pirates General Manager, Kevan Donaldson, the team had “nothing to lose and everything to gain” by giving Martinez a locker and an honorary position on the roster.

“He walked into our facility wearing a Stargell Stars cap, quoting Chuck Tanner, and calling everyone ‘Cat Daddy,'” said Donaldson. “We tested him on his knowledge of the ’79 team, and frankly, he knew things no one else could. Like who hid sunflower seeds in Kent Tekulve’s glove, or what song was playing when Willie Stargell hit that Game 7 home run in the World Series. We were blown away.”

A Blast from the Past — Literally

Martinez has brought more than just trivia and superstition. He’s reportedly reintroduced the team to rituals long forgotten — midnight pepper games, superstition-based lineup decisions, and a strict clubhouse rule: only disco on the speakers. Sources say that “We Are Family” has already replaced the team’s current walk-up playlist, and players have been spotted practicing moonwalks and “The Hustle” in the outfield.

Pirates shortstop Ke’Bryan Hayes noted a sudden energy shift.

“Look, I don’t know if he’s really from the ’70s or just really committed cosplay,” said Hayes. “But ever since Mojo showed up, we’ve won four straight, the team dinners are lit, and even the vending machine started working again. So yeah, he can stay.”

Time-Defying Baseball

MLB officials have yet to issue a formal ruling on the eligibility of “temporally displaced individuals” but admitted they “didn’t see this in the rulebook.”

Dr. Lenora Griggs, a physicist from Carnegie Mellon, is currently studying Martinez to determine the nature of his time travel. When asked if it was real, she only said, “Let’s just say his polyester pants defy modern fabric technology.”

Fans are loving it. Attendance has spiked, retro merchandise is flying off the shelves, and calls for bringing back the pillbox hat full-time are gaining steam. One fan held up a sign reading: SEND THE WHOLE TEAM BACK TO 1979.

The Pirates’ Plan

While Martinez won’t be taking the mound or swinging a bat, he has been named Special Vibes Coordinator, a new position created specifically for him. Team manager Derek Shelton says Martinez sits in the dugout during games, flipping through a vintage scorebook and occasionally yelling “Let’s go, Pops!” with unsettling accuracy.

As for how long he’ll stay in 2025?

“I’m just here ‘til the job’s done,” said Martinez. “When the trophy’s back in the ‘Burgh, maybe I’ll head back home to the disco inferno. Or maybe I’ll stick around. I heard y’all got hoverboards yet?”

Whether it’s a gimmick, a glitch in the space-time continuum, or divine intervention in bell-bottoms, one thing is clear: the Pittsburgh Pirates have found something they’ve long been missing — a reason to believe.

Stay tuned. This season just got

weird. And maybe wonderful.