BREAKING NEWS: Bob Nutting Signs $25.15 Million Deal to Construct Mysterious New Pirates Stadium …… see more
In a shocking and bewildering announcement, Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting has reportedly signed a $25.15 million contract for the construction of a brand-new stadium, though the location, purpose, and even blueprints are being described by insiders as “usually hidden away.”
According to confidential sources close to the deal, the new project — codenamed “Project Stealth Dugout” — may not even be in Pittsburgh at all. “There’s talk of a remote location in the Allegheny Mountains or somewhere just past the edge of a Sheetz parking lot,” said one anonymous architect who claims to have seen early sketches on a napkin.
The $25.15 million figure has raised eyebrows, as it seems drastically low for a modern stadium. “That’s about the cost of one high-end bullpen arm,” said one MLB analyst. “Unless the entire stadium is made of recycled bobbleheads and old scorecards, this might just be the first stadium held together with duct tape and deferred payments.”
When reached for comment, Nutting offered a cryptic statement:
“Pirates baseball is about legacy, tradition, and fiscal invisibility. The new facility will reflect that — with features fans may never see.”
Key rumored features of the new “stadium”:
- 4,000-seat capacity, with 3,950 of those seats reserved for “VIP ghosts of Pirates past”
- Concession stands that accept only Bitcoin and Chuck E. Cheese tokens
- A retractable roof that may or may not exist depending on public scrutiny
- A hidden tunnel to PNC Park “in case of emergencies or sudden postseason contention”
Local reaction has been mixed. Some fans were optimistic:
“At least he’s spending money on something,” said longtime fan Daryl Flanagan. “Though I was hoping it would be, you know… actual players.”
Others were less enthused.
“You mean we get another stadium we can’t fill, for a team we can’t watch win?” asked a man standing outside Primanti Bros. “At this point, I’d rather he invest in a Little League team. At least they hustle.”
