BREAKING NEWS: Andrew McCutchen Shocks Pittsburgh Pirates with Surprise Resignation Letter
In a move that blindsided the Pittsburgh Pirates’ front office and devastated fans across the city, veteran outfielder Andrew McCutchen has reportedly tendered a handwritten resignation letter just hours before Tuesday’s home game against the Cubs.
Sources inside PNC Park say the letter, written in elegant cursive on a Primanti Bros. napkin, was delivered directly to General Manager Ben Cherington’s office with the subject line:
“I’m out. Also, who actually likes chipped ham?”
McCutchen, 38, cited a mixture of existential dread, sandwich fatigue, and an “unshakable craving to play underwater baseball in Atlantis” as reasons for his abrupt decision.
“I’ve given everything to this city—my speed, my soul, my ACLs,” McCutchen said in a surprise press conference held outside a Sheetz parking lot. “But lately, I wake up and think… am I still chasing my dreams, or just dodging hot dog guns in the outfield?”
Fans initially believed the resignation was a prank tied to a delayed April Fools’ joke or elaborate TikTok stunt. However, multiple clubhouse sources confirmed McCutchen cleaned out his locker, left behind a half-eaten box of Cracker Jack, and whispered, “Tell Cutch Jr. I did it for him.”
Team Reacts With Dismay
Pirates manager Derek Shelton said he was “caught completely off guard.”
“He was just here yesterday, arguing with the bullpen coach about whether Kennywood is overrated,” Shelton said. “Now he’s gone, and nobody knows who’s going to lead the team in walk-up music swag.”
Cherington said the team would honor McCutchen’s mysterious exit and hinted at erecting a bronze statue titled “The Resignation” outside PNC Park.
🧀 Pierogi Crisis?
Though McCutchen did not list it as a primary reason, sources say the Pirates’ newly mandated post-game pierogi buffet may have played a role. One anonymous player noted:
“He took one bite of a jalapeño-cheddar pierogi and just stared into space like he saw the ghost of Roberto Clemente.”
