In a move that has left fans baffled and analysts speechless, the San Diego Padres announced today that they have signed 17 years old high school senior Jake “Slugger” Ramirez to a minor league deal, citing his “comparable home run production” to the major league roster.
Ramirez, who plays first base and occasionally skips practice for AP Chemistry, was surprised to get the call.
“I thought it was a prank,” said Jake, while holding a Mountain Dew and a half-eaten slice of pizza. “I only hit two home runs this season… but I guess that’s enough to catch the Padres’ attention.”
According to Padres General Manager Sam Petrowski, the team’s analytics department ran a late-night simulation and discovered that Jake’s home run rate — approximately 0.02 per at-bat — was statistically identical to the current Padres roster, which ranks 29th in the league in home runs.
“Look, we’re not saying he’s the next Fernando Tatis Jr.,” said Petrowski, “but mathematically, he’s no worse.”
The Padres, who have struggled offensively this season despite boasting a payroll north of $200 million, claim they are embracing a new “hyper-local, statistically lateral” scouting strategy.
Team manager Mike Shildt explained:
“We figured, why not just cut out the middleman? If we’re getting high school-level power out of our major leaguers, we might as well pay high school prices.”
Jake’s mom, Yolanda Ramirez, says she’s proud of her son — but insists he finish his homework.
“I told him he can’t skip calculus just because he’s technically a professional athlete now.”
Jake will report to the Padres’ Single-A affiliate in Lake Elsinore next week — pending his final exams.
