In what can only be described as the most unexpected and astronomically bizarre deal in the history of sports, business, and possibly humanity, Minnesota Timberwolves’ head coach Chris Finch has reportedly signed a $92.5 billion contract — not with a basketball team, but with none other than tech titan and space-bound billionaire Elon Musk.
The nature of the agreement? Shrouded in mystery, yet partially confirmed by a leaked document stamped with both the Tesla and SpaceX logos — and, strangely enough, a paw print believed to belong to a genetically modified Timberwolf from Musk’s Mars Zoo Project.
According to sources close to the situation, Finch — typically reserved and focused on his NBA duties — was quietly flown to a remote Tesla R&D facility in Nevada under the cover of darkness, where he and Musk reportedly held a 12-hour closed-door meeting. What followed was a jaw-dropping announcement that even insiders couldn’t have predicted.
“We believe Chris Finch has the exact mindset required to lead the first Martian sports franchise,” Musk said via X (formerly Twitter). “His player development strategies are exactly what we need to train Earth’s best athletes — and artificial athletes — for competition in low-gravity environments.”
So, What’s the Deal?
Although specific clauses remain confidential, early reports suggest the $92.5 billion deal is not strictly monetary — instead, it includes:
- Equity in Neuralink’s virtual coaching platform
- Ownership of two Martian craters (nicknamed “The Paint” and “The Arc”)
- Control of the Mars Basketball Federation (MBF), which Musk aims to launch by 2032
- Rights to develop “Finchball,” a hybrid sport involving hover shoes and AI referees
But Why Finch?
While many expected someone like Steve Kerr, Erik Spoelstra, or even AI-enhanced Phil Jackson to be first in line for interplanetary coaching duties, Musk reportedly chose Finch for his calm demeanor, player-centric approach, and ability to turn underdog teams into playoff contenders.
“Chris is usually hidden away from the glitz of headlines,” said one NBA executive. “He’s not flashy — he’s brilliant. The kind of guy who’d quietly revolutionize Martian basketball without needing a press conference.”
Timberwolves React
The Minnesota Timberwolves organization released a statement saying they are “aware of Coach Finch’s involvement in advanced athletic experimentation” and are “proud to support any endeavor that uplifts basketball — even if it’s in space.”
However, questions remain. Will Finch continue to coach the Timberwolves on Earth? Will Karl-Anthony Towns become the first NBA All-Star to wear a space suit? And is this all part of Musk’s larger plan to launch the NBA 2.0 — on another planet?
Whatever the truth, one thing is certain: Chris Finch just made history — not for winning a championship ring, but for signing a contract that would make most Fortune 500 CEOs sweat.
