BREAKING NEWS: Seattle Mariners Release Ichiro Suzuki, Still Owe Him $150 Million in 2026
In a shocking move that has left both fans and accountants stunned, the Seattle Mariners announced today they have officially released outfielder **Ichiro Suzuki** from the roster — despite the fact that he *retired six years ago* and hasn’t played a game since 2019.
Even more baffling? The Mariners say they *still owe him* a staggering **\$150 million**, which will come due in **2026**.
“We were going through some old file cabinets in the stadium basement and found a contract we didn’t realize was still active,” said Mariners GM **Derek Matheson**, holding a dusty manila envelope. “Turns out Ichiro negotiated a deferred payment plan that starts next year… and lasts until the heat death of the universe.”
Ichiro, who is currently coaching high school baseball in Japan and practicing bunting against pitching machines for fun, responded to the news with a smile and a simple statement:
> “I accept.”
When asked what he plans to do with the \$150 million, Ichiro replied, “I will buy 300 batting cages and one very fast cheetah to race.”
The strange clause in Ichiro’s contract reportedly grants him:
$150 million** deferred until 2026
* An ownership stake in all vending machines at T-Mobile Park
* A guarantee that the team will never issue the number 51 again unless it’s to a “worthy samurai”
“It’s the Bobby Bonilla deal on steroids,” said MLB analyst **Jim Rothstein**. “Except Ichiro earned it by literally carrying Seattle baseball for a decade.”
Fans were mixed, with some celebrating the legend’s windfall:
> “He gave us everything. Let him take the money.” — @MarinersStan2001
> “I’ve been paying \$18 for garlic fries since 2010. That money has to go *somewhere*.
Others were less amused:
> “He hasn’t played since *Game of Thrones* was still good. What are we doing?”
The team issued an official statement:
> “We thank Ichiro for his years of service, his dedication to the game, and his willingness to remind us every spring that we are, in fact, not worthy.”
When asked if Ichiro might consider a comeback given the team’s ongoing outfield injuries, his agent simply replied:
