Touch Ground: Few Minutes Ago — Colorado Avalanche Owner E. Stanley Kroenke Declares CEO Stan Kroenke Has Been Sacked Following the “Popcorn Incident”
In a jaw-dropping twist no one saw coming — except possibly the Zamboni driver — Colorado Avalanche owner E. Stanley Kroenke made a momentous announcement just minutes ago: Stan Kroenke, CEO of the Avalanche and coincidentally also himself, has been sacked following what is now being called “The Popcorn Incident.”
“Effective immediately, Stan Kroenke has been relieved of his duties as CEO,” read the statement released by… Stan Kroenke.
Yes, you read that right.
The Incident That Changed It All
According to multiple (very confused) sources inside Ball Arena, the firing comes after an embarrassing moment caught on the arena’s live cam, where Kroenke was seen throwing a full tub of popcorn at a referee from the luxury box after a controversial icing call.
The tub, which had been salted but not buttered, reportedly struck the referee’s third cousin — a guest of the opposing team — in the shoulder. A minor injury was reported, and dignity was left in critical condition.
🧠 An Identity Crisis?
While many questioned how Kroenke could fire himself, the Avalanche’s official press release clarified the situation:
“As owner, E. Stanley Kroenke has decided to remove CEO Stan Kroenke from his position, citing poor judgment, popcorn abuse, and a general lack of popcorn etiquette. A full investigation is underway, led by Kroenke, overseen by Kroenke, and funded by Kroenke Sports & Entertainment.”
Legal scholars are reportedly baffled.
Avalanche Front Office in Chaos
Insiders report that Avalanche GM Joe Sakic has temporarily stepped in to restore order, declaring:
“We’re focused on hockey. And also making sure nobody throws food again.”
Meanwhile, rumors swirl that Stan Kroenke has applied to rehire himself under a pseudonym, allegedly submitting a résumé under the name “Stanley E. Kroe-nké” with experience in “executive snack management.”
Fan Reactions Pour In
The Avalanche fanbase, known for passionate support and mild confusion, took to social media immediately.
“Did Stan just fire Stan? Is that legal?” tweeted @AvsFan420.
“This is why you don’t mix power and popcorn,” wrote @StanWatchDaily.
Even the Avalanche mascot, Bernie the St. Bernard, posted a cryptic photo of an empty popcorn bucket with the caption:
“It wasn’t worth it.”
What’s Next?
With the CEO position vacant and questions of sanity, identity, and snack management swirling, the Avalanche franchise enters uncharted territory. Will Kroenke return under a new alias? Will popcorn be banned in executive boxes?
